J E A L O U S - A S - F U C K
Unsatisfied and relentless,
I want more fucking more!
And I keep going through this shit!
Trapped and treading water, this keeps pushing, dragging, and fucking gnawing at me!
Going under again and I cling to an idea I thought I had; but can I ever truly escape this fucking place if I'm utterly in love with the fucking torment it brings?
Remember Einstein's quote on insanity; and yet the observation predicts this will never fucking change!
Hear the god of logic stomp his feet, while the dog of distractions persist that I pay her homage with fresh brimstone bruises to her penitent pelvis!
But I must use my head!
However, you will never win against the ego of my own anger!
But I must be smarter than this!
Counting backwards and rereading past passages of old diaries cynical that I might actually find a route other than this hideous depravity and spiraling fucking shadow!
But I must spiral out in another direction; just an ever so slightly new tangent that hasn't yet been beaten to fucking death by my aimless fucking ramblings!
Metaphors of causality-loops and messages sent to futures past are now returning; while I weigh the odds and briefly believe that I am in fact moving forward; or is all this just the second-guessing of double-thinking?
Yes, I over-reacted!
Yes, I made a mistake!
Yes, I'm trying fucking hard to out think myself!
Self-cognition again questioning this gained perspective of maturity which I can't tell if I have grown into or am repulsed by.
But who am I lying to here?
The past: a deception!
The future: a black-hole!
The present: an ugliness you could scarcely fucking imagine!
I see her – begging!
But don't kid yourself, she has hardly seen the surface of this fucking lunacy!
If I could, I would let you in, just to make you fucking pay for everything you had no fucking clue about!
But I've fucked your stinking holes before!
Been here before!
But I find the threats and confrontations pinnacle!
Beaten here before!
And I'm here again wondering what the fuck for?
It's 'cause I'm a fucking sadist, you dumbfuck!
I'm looking for something that the devil's potential mentioned to me.
And I keep looking!
But I keep loathing!
For all I ever find here are things fucking ugly!
You will never see it from my fucking point of view, cunt, so don't ever try and tell me what the fuck it is that I seek to gain!
Petty and plentiful, I want more fucking more!
© 2010 BRUCE STIRLING JOHN KNOX